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1. A Pious Apostasy
\" What do I hear? the old Pope now said， pricking up
his ears. Oh Zarathustra， you are so pious for you believe
with such disbelief. Some God in you drives you to this
godlessness. Isn t it your piety itself that no longer permits
you to believe in God? \"
Thus Spake Zarathustra
I am a pious apostate， an atheist shocked by the faithlessness
of the believers， a fellow traveler of moderate Catholicism
who has been out of the Church for more than twenty years.
I also have an intimate knowledge of the tragic papacy of
John XXIII. Not that I ever knew that good and holy man. I
saw him only once， on a summer s day in I959 at a mass au-
dience at Castel Gandolfo. While an officious monsignor was
translating his remarks， John triumphed over the ceremony of
the occasion by taking a large handkerchief out of his cassock
with mischievous solemnity and then blowing his nose with a
loud peasant honk. I was charmed by that little scene， yet it
hardly turned me into an insider.
Still， my knowledge about the rise and tragedy of John s
reign is quite personal. From the vantage point of a childhood
and adolescence in St. Louis， I can understand what happened
when the Pope stepped forward， boldly and innocently， to
proclaim a springtime of faith. He told his flock to forget the
dogmas for a while and listen to their hearts. They did， and
discovered that they could no longer hear the voice of God
within themselves. Looking back on that Irish Catholic world
Qt
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